Somethings flipped again. I got this weird feeling that I couldn’t shake and then I felt myself slipping.
It was a good day too. Eldest kids are back at school and though I have actually missed the noisy little grotters slightly. It’s been good to get a tiny bit of routine back.
Delly fell asleep like this. In the middle of the floor when she was supposed to be eating lunch.
I’m not even mad, this kids is adorable. I don’t even know when it flipped. After the kids were in bed I think. The boy and I were sat on the sofa. I was trying to work but my mind was elsewhere, he was trying to find a way to watch the football. Despite not physically moving I could feel myself moving further away from him. There’s something he’s not telling me. Somethings making me uneasy, but I don’t know what.
And then comes the internal fight. Part of me wants to interrogate him, I need answers, and part of me just is so detached. As we talk about plans for the next few months, his plans, I feel myself both pushing him away and removing myself from the situation. How I can care so much and not feel anything at the same time is beyond me, but it happens and I don’t feel like I can adequately put it into words. Somethings shifted. Either with him or with me. But I can feel it, I just can’t see it.
And now I can’t sleep because of it.