Was it Green Day that sang that? I don’t know, I think so though, who ever sang it, it’s true.
Today was always going to be my “New Years Day” – the first Monday of the year Delly starts nursery, it’s a big fresh start day.
I woke up feeling clearer, maybe because I didn’t look at my phone, maybe because of the sleep hypnosis thing I listened to, to make me fall asleep, I don’t know, but I do feel more, just slightly more, level headed.
I was trying to explain to the boy that yes I have some pretty big irrational thoughts (he’s going to leave me for some fit running girl with a beautiful dog, who is just everything I’m not) to some rational (I found out the exes girlfriends age the other day, and if she wants kids, they are gonna be on the agenda soon, and I’m petrified of what that will do to me) to just general worries, Delly starting nursery, Lincoln still not really caring about being academic, Aurora feeling like she doesn’t fit in. Then there’s the work to do list, just general keeping up to date, promotions, moving everything over to the website, stuff I can easily do I just need time, to having no clue how to code a z-index, but know I’ve gotta work it out quick, constantly trying to think of new material, and then the house, oh my word, the house is stressing me out – it’s normally not something I worry about it – because it’s never this messy, but everywhere I look is stuff, and it’s overwhelming me, I don’t know where to begin to sort it and I also don’t have the time to sort it even if I could work it out.
All this runs round my head, doing circuits, sometimes so fast that there just a blur, but it’s exhausting, because I can’t switch it off, and I can’t ignore it, its like a bee, swirly round your head, constantly just a little bit out of reach, so I can’t swat it away. The thoughts are interrupted by memories all the time, embarrassing moments I’ve had, I told him something, so minor that happened over 15 years ago, I was in a ‘grown up’ friends house, I was 18/19 and desperately trying to fit in with the adults, I asked where her toilets were and she laughed and said something along the lines of she was that rich she only had one, every one laughed and I felt so embarrassed and that still pops into my head now, I have had a lot of embarrassing moments between then and now, and they still haunt me.
Then theres just little things that pop up and gnaw away at me, the ex sent me (well the kids via me) photos of the animals at the zoo in Prague, and I just remembered how I really wanted to go to the zoo and the history museum when me and the boy were in Riga, but he just brushed it off.
Stupidly I also started watching the Haunting of Hill House on my own, I say watching very loosely, like peeping through my eye corners as I try to do other things, but I’m hooked, and I keep thinking about the bits I might of missed while I was trying to watch with just my ears, and whats going to happen next, and imagining scary figures standing in the dark, watching me.
This is the base line of my head, that runs as a constant under currant while I try and deal with everything else that I have to do in life.
I feel like I went off on a massive tangent there, huge, sooooo this morning, the boy woke me up at 5.18 going to the toilet, and then I was awake, I lay in bed a while, just thinking, I didn’t reach fo ray phone as I would so normally have done, first day of the rest of my life. Lets cut down on scene time. I got up with the boy, and then I went for a walk, not a huge one, a mile and a half, it’s dark and Hill House monsters are still pretty prominent in my mind.
I’m home now, drinking water, I still haven’t looked at my phone and it’s 8 o’clock. I’m typing this on my laptop, not slumped on the sofa, but sat at my desk. I’m going to write a to do list before the kids get here. A realistic list.